W. C. Fields on funny
W. C. Fields96 quotes“I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.”
More from W. C. Fields
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FieldsW. C. Fields
Original quotes
From our community writers
Someone rejected you does not mean you are not worthy. Maybe they can’t afford to be with you.
Jacklyn TysonJacklyn Tyson I will love you from afar it’s better this way because close up it hurts too much.
Melissa AndersonMelissa Anderson Maybe if you hold me tight, our love won’t be as shallow.
Mira R. AridiMira R. Aridi Sometimes a person is in peace & in the piece at the same time.
Jessica CollinsJessica Collins Between day and night there was a moment of silence.
Frode GaslandFrode Gasland But doesn’t it hurt to feel so much and pretend not to?
Brad NeatonBrad Neaton Admire your sweet way of glowing; your passionate way of flowing.
Ana SoulfulAna Soulful Darling, you are a warrior, for even though each day feels like a battle, you keep fighting and live on.
Sarah ShawkatSarah Shawkat
Meet the writers
More on funny
Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg My puns are not trivial. They are quadrivial.
James JoyceJames Joyce I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg First, I blow a hole in your face; then I go back inside, and sleep like a baby… I guarantee you.
Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch HedbergMitch Hedberg