“Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.”

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

I breathe better now. I thought I wouldn’t or couldn’t. But I was wrong. Isn’t that how it is with these things.

It will feel better when it quits hurting.

You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you can do it even better than you think you can.

Better do a good deed near at home than go far away to burn incense.

Fantasy love is much better than Reality Love.

Filthy language is used by people who don’t have the maturity or intelligence to express themselves with better words.

After a life time of being tempted by doubts, I must tell you, it feels far better to be wooed by hope.

I hope you are reading to your children, out loud. That’s much better than watching television, much better. They won’t get very much out of television except some bad thoughts.