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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

W. C. Fields

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. FIELDS

Face Man Time
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Danger Man Place World
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

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