“Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.”

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

It’s nothing really. It’s the unique presentation that makes me look good in the action scenes. Why did I dare do them? That’s a funny question! Why do I act? Why do I breathe!

Don’t be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.

A film is never really good unless the camera is an eye in the head of a poet.

All good leaders are connectors. They relate well and make people feel confident about themselves and their leader.

Because knowledge is not for showing off. If I do good work, people should notice me.

Comedy is the most difficult. Comic timing is something which you either have it in you, or you don’t. You have to have a good sense of humour to be able to understand it. A split second can make you lose the punch.

A healthy mind with a good emotional stamina rises above the influence of past hurt or negativity in the environment.

Luckiest people are not those who got everything, but those who make good from whatever is available to them.