“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.”

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I’m not ashamed of what I am and that I have curves and that I’m thick. I like my body.

The second I met Zac, I thought he was a really cool guy. It’s hard not to have chemistry with someone who is so attractive.

We all get old, but I always say the skinny, pretty girls will be screwed.

I have never felt any ethnic connection between the Greeks and me other than how hairy I am.

The sweetest thing a guy said is that I look pretty with or without makeup.

I dress sexily – but not in an obvious way. Sexy in a virginal way.

When I dress in a certain way and do my hair and makeup in a certain way, it’s not to get attention. I’m not a supermodel. I make the best of what I’ve got. I work out to look the best that I can.

True love is letting her know that her ass really does look fat in those jeans.