“I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.”

I must have a drink of breakfast.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

The soul of man is divided into three parts, intelligence, reason, and passion. Intelligence and passion are possessed by other animals, but reason by man alone.

As long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed, he who sows the seeds of murder and pain cannot reap the joy of love.

Man in his arrogance thinks himself a great work, worthy of the interposition of a deity. More humble, and I believe truer, to consider him created from animals.

Animals never worry about Heaven or Hell. Neither do I. Maybe that’s why we get along.

I really love animals and enjoy working with them.

Even if not a single fossil has ever been found, the evidence from surviving animals would still overwhelmingly force the conclusion that Darwin was right.

According to the latest figures, 75 percent of Earth’s land surface has been severely altered by humans. Deforestation and unsustainable agriculture as well as the illegal trade of endangered wildlife increase the risk of human-animal contact.

Man is the only creature that consumes without producing. He does not give milk, he does not lay eggs, he is too weak to pull the plough, he cannot run fast enough to catch rabbits. Yet he is lord of all the animals.