I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDSIt ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS