Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDSIt ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS -
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS -
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS -
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS -
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS