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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

W. C. Fields

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

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