“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.”

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

You have the right to live a beautiful life.

It can be beautiful, if you just be yourself.

The death of a beautiful woman is, unquestionably, the most poetical topic in the world.

My message behind this album was finding the beauty in imperfection.

Don’t ever give up on life. Life can be so beautiful, especially after you’ve spent a lot of time with it.

Friends, music, and food is a combination that makes this world an even more beautiful place.

The sun is up, the sky is blue It’s beautiful, and so are you.

Mother nature is so beautiful!