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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

W. C. Fields

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Money Myself Wild Woman
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS

Habit Mad Myself Weird
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

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