“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.”

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

It’s kind of beautiful, isn’t it? that we get to feel the passion in this world, about anything.

If I had wings and could fly I’d fly all seas to see your unseen beauty amid the whispers of love.

There is no greater sorrow than that of a soul, moving through the tunnels of hope, holding on to the beautiful past while drowning in a pool of darkness all alone, all alone.

There’s beauty in the imperfections of what we do and our value’s so much more than being a size two.

And just like that, he told me that I was beautiful. Without knowing all the wars I wage against myself.

Down to the marrow in your bones, you will always be beautiful to me.

The fabric of your life is a beautiful tapestry of contrast.

You’re my crescent moon not perfect but beautiful.