The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDSWhen we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS