“It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.”

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

Only stupid one’s.

Man can not live by bread alone, he must have peanut butter.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

I’m supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty, I told her. Without a moment’s hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.

Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.

The Internet is like Hitler they think they are getting rid of the problem but they’re not.

Never forget that the devil is there 24/7 too. He’s very, very busy.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

Mediocre people are the most dangerous people in the world.

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.

All Children Have Brain Damage!

And so the dentist says ‘Rinse.’ So you lean over, and you’re lookin’ at this miniature toilet bowl.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl there’s a little voice that say, ‘I wonder where he would go if it hadn’t been for his head.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

If you think about the long term then you can really make good life decisions that you won’t regret later.

Live for yourself and you will live in vain; Live for others, and you will live again.

Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.

If you do the work you get rewarded. There are no shortcuts in life.

The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.

We all want to be loved, don’t we? Everyone looks for a way of finding love. It’s a constant search for affection in every walk of life.

The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.