“The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.”

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

I’m supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty, I told her. Without a moment’s hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.

Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.

The Internet is like Hitler they think they are getting rid of the problem but they’re not.

Never forget that the devil is there 24/7 too. He’s very, very busy.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

Mediocre people are the most dangerous people in the world.

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.

All Children Have Brain Damage!

And so the dentist says ‘Rinse.’ So you lean over, and you’re lookin’ at this miniature toilet bowl.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl there’s a little voice that say, ‘I wonder where he would go if it hadn’t been for his head.

Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.

I’m not the boss of my house. I don’t know how I lost it, I don’t know when I lost it, I don’t really think I ever had it. But I’ve seen the boss’s job and I don’t want it!

Intellectuals are people who go to study things other people do naturally.

Just avoid things like racing trains to the crossing, doing cocaine, etc. Develop good mental habits.

A lot of success in life and business comes from knowing what you want to avoid: early death, a bad marriage, etc.

I talk to nurses and programmers, salespeople and firefighters – people who bust their tails every day. Not one of them – not one – stashes their money in the Cayman Islands to avoid paying their fair share of taxes.

Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.

Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.

We cannot control necessity, though we often persuade ourselves that certain things are our choice, when in truth we have been unavoidably impelled to them.

Don’t avoid the cliches – they are cliches because they work!

Her face looked ugly in the attempt to avoid tears; it was an ugliness which bound him to her more than any beauty could have done. It isn’t being happy together, he thought as though it were a fresh discovery, that makes one love–it’s being unhappy together.