I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you’re turning the pages.
BOB HOPELaughter is therapy-an instant vacation.
More Bob Hope Quotes
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The old water heater in my dressing room was working, but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent’s handshake.
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I don’t do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
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Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It’s going to get us out of the house after dark!
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Failure is the only thing I’ve ever been a success at.
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Milton Hope led the singing of Happy Birthday … He would say, ‘Keep it sweet and short and don’t try to be funny.’
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She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
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Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn’t know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He’s always had an agent for that.
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I’ve always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It’s an island and the audience can’t run very far.
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I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight – and that was just their hair.
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My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They’re still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.
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Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies
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The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
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Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend’s house during a power failure.
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I led such a sheltered life I didn’t go out with girls until I was almost four.
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It was a typically British birth… I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward… I came out in sympathy.
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I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.
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There’s a very apt saying in show business: “If you don’t go over budget in Paris, you’re either very rich or very sick. “
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The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I’ve been doing that all my life.
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Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
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When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
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I’ve been married fifty-five years and I’ve been home three weeks.
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It’s so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
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The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear’s huge jaws. I wouldn’t even try that with my agent.
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I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?
BOB HOPE