“I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.”

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

You know you’ve reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I’m breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That’s what gives me the strength to break the club.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor’s age by the rings on her fingers.

It was a typically British birth… I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward… I came out in sympathy.

We’re on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It’s a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.

We know about the Detroit offense with Calvin Johnson, the best receiver in the game. If this defense continues to play at this pace, they may have something to say about the NFC North.

Why talk now when so many things have been said without ever giving me a chance to talk?

I’ve never predicted anything. All I have ever said is, that we will do the very best we can.

The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they do not know the game.

But here’s the deal: If I were smart, I could figure out curling. If I were even smarter, I could figure out why people would actually watch other people doing it. I have tried. I can’t. I can’t even figure out the object of the game. Is it like darts? I just don’t get it.

The Olympic Games of the Modern Era began in 1896 in the city of Athens.

Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday’s success or put its failures behind and start over again. That’s the way life is, with a new game every day, and that’s the way baseball is.

My favorite board game is a board game I’m working on right now. It’s a game of Napoleonic era naval warfare, and it’s going to be fun.