“My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.”

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.

Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.

At some point in time, you definitely have to go drama. Not to say that you’re going drama just because everybody else does it.

It is hard that people don’t just let you do your job for them and entertain, and then carry on your own life.

Just take the ball and throw it where you want to. Throw strikes. Home plate don’t move.

When a batter swings and I see his knees move, I can tell just what his weaknesses are then I just put the ball where I know he can’t hit it.

Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance.

I wouldn’t just have other people write songs and me go out and sing it.

Whenever I have a bad day I just think of these people.

Human nature is to blame for everything, innit? We’re just a disease on this planet.