Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER