They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER