Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER






