If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERI love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER