I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER