Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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self-pity is better than none.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER






