“You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.”

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.