The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER






