I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER