“To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.”

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.

You’re never too good to get better… take that and apply that to everything in your life.

With everything that is complex, we learn. If you don’t learn, then it’s an utter and abject failure. If you do learn, and you’re able to apply that to the next situation, then you take away a measure of success.

Government is the only institution that can take a valuable commodity like paper, and make it worthless by applying ink.

Faith, to my mind, is a stiffening process, a sort of mental starch, which ought to be applied as sparingly as possible. I dislike the stuff. I do not believe in it, for its own sake, at all… My lawgivers are Erasmus and Montaigne, not Moses and St Paul.

When it applies to the Olympics and making a decision, I have to claim Australia as my country.

He stares at me, and I don’t look away. He isn’t a dog, but the same rules apply. Looking away is submissive.

Once war is forced upon us, there is no alternative than to apply every available means to bring it to a swift end. War’s very object is victory-not prolonged indecision.

Ego is constantly attempting to acquire and apply the teachings of spirituality for its own benefit.