A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER