It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER






