Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER






