My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER