Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER