My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER






