Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER






