Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER






