Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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self-pity is better than none.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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