My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER