My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER