Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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