Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER