Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER