I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER