Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER






