I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER