I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER