Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER