I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER






