The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER