Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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self-pity is better than none.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER