I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER