Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER






