If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER