“When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.”

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.

My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I don’t even like the sound of the dryer going – I like the quiet.

He didn’t move a muscle, not one inch, and he didn’t drop one tear. I tell you that and you are probably like, “Wow, how is that even possible?”

I’m one of the artists that even though I love my soulful stuff, I love to turn up and have a good time and that’s another side of me.

Without amendments we would never even have had the Bill of Rights.

At Rome there were nothing even vaguely resembling modern political parties although given the stifling impact of these.

It’s going to be over before a lot of us even know it started.

Perhaps even more important than being a good pilot; to make the best use of this system.

Today it is even more important to dominate the . . . highly sophisticated weapon systems