The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER