“I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.”

At my age flowers scare me.

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I’d rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

How can I die? I’m booked.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

It’s good to be here. At 98, it’s good to be anywhere.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.

I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.