The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDThis morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD