I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDA girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD