I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDA girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD