“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I was definitely an at-risk kid growing up.

I think you really have to become a parent to understand what you will endure to be there for your kids.

I’m going to be real as hell and show you who I am, because I want the kids to see who I really am and the basketball players to see who I really am, and that’s all that matters to me.

Me and my son got pictures on the Batmobile. I’m a big kid.

When you have kids, they are the consistent things in your life. They don’t change no matter what’s going on. They love you. They are more honest than anybody will be.

I was confused as a kid. I was confused about my sexual identity.

I’ve got kids, goats. My wife always wanted a donkey, so I bought her one.

I grew up being an artist, but also rock-climbing and traveling the world and teaching my kids.