With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD