When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






