The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






