At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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