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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Ben Big Clock Country Cousin Find Gay

Bagwalas

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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Each Other Every Goe never Night Nothing Psychiatrist Right Seen Sex Wife
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Another Came Cement Felt Hand Neighborhood Real Some Tough
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Being Do Draw Men Most Thing Told Wage
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Birthday Ever Had Join Respect Toast Water Wife Women
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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Acting Del Delicate Mask Put Very
Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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Act Actor Each Expose Himself Nide Time
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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Already Always Eye Garbage Keep Me Rid She Told Try Wife
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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Ask Birth Boy Control One Poster Year
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Ask How Big People Pet Store Work
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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Born Doctor Mother Slap Ugly
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Always Found Kid Move Parent
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Again Boyfriend Broke Her Marriage Trock Up Wife
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Bartender Plumber Psychiatrist See Seen Told Truth Wife
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Fat Found Look One Only Out People Way
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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All Antier Chocolate Cook Got Mae Mouse Stuck Throat Wife
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Crazy Opinion Psychiatrist Said Second

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