I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD