I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD