At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD