“My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I had one incident where my daughter said that a girl asked if she was a brown person. I said, ‘We’re black.

It’s weird, but I don’t feel like think I deserve any of the attention. There’s really nothing but one audition for a Disney Channel movie that separates me from 2,000 other brown-haired, blue-eyed guys in L.A., you know?

I look around my house, and everything except the kids and dogs was made in China. And I’m not sure about the kids. They have brown eyes and small noses.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Any use of the names of Eric Garner and Michael Brown, in connection with any violence or killing of police, is reprehensible and against the pursuit of justice in both cases.

Don’t get caught up on ‘I’m brown, black, white, red, blue, whatever.’ You gotta ask, what were you called before 1492?

When you get to that level of brown liquor – an age distillate of a fermented thing, grain that we learned how to plant and make grow.

I saw myself the lambent easy light Gild the brown horror, and dispel the night.