I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD