I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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