If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KINGThat’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
More Alan King Quotes
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
ALAN KING