If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
ALAN KINGYou want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
More Alan King Quotes
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
ALAN KING