If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
ALAN KINGI made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
More Alan King Quotes
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
ALAN KING