“One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’”

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”

Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.

The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.

The other day my house caught fire.

Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.

One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.

When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.

I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.

We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

I think everyone should experience defeat at least once during their career. You learn a lot from it.

The big problems are where people don’t realise they have one in the first place.

Staging Formula One is incredibly expensive.

Every actor has three versions of each scene – the one that you rehearse the night before, in your bedroom.

If somebody dumps something noxious in my back yard, the dumper is the last one I would call on to repair the damage.

Can the U.S. support two Formula 1 races? I think so.

When you have seen one ant, one bird, one tree, you have not seen them all.

No one knows the cost of a defective product – don’t tell me you do.