My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
ALAN KINGOne thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
More Alan King Quotes
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
ALAN KING