I was a high school throw-out.
ALAN KINGThe world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
More Alan King Quotes
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KING






