“I don’t like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it’s the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they’re pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.”

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel… lets focus on making a buck.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.

Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys.

The best gift you can give yourself is some drive–that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates.

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I’ve done so much morning radio that I won’t be overwhelmed by it, but it’s still going to be a challenge.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen pie advertised. That’s how you know it’s good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts.

I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format.

I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses.

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don’t have a compelling host then you have nothing.

The truth is we’re all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else’s book.

I’m a comedian, not a politician.

My biggest skill is common sense. I understand life.

The biggest obstacle was mixing abortion with overpopulation. These are two things that have nothing to do with each other.

The bigger issue, was the whole takeover of the food industry by big corporations.

That’s one of our biggest challenges is finding out how to do that. There are times when you have to scale back.

The biggest obstacle was mixing abortion with overpopulation. These are two things that have nothing to do with each other.

What’s the biggest compliment is if I read a review and it’s exactly what I wrote down in my diary before ever filming it. That’s really cool. That’s the biggest signifier of closing the gaps.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

To bring a healthy child into this world, raise them right and watch them grow is the biggest miracle there is.