“I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.”

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life.

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.

We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball.

Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

My motto is “more mystery, less history”.

Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.

I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. .

I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”

When you do television, there’s more to do, and when you do new television, there’s a lot more to do, especially when you don’t have partner. I miss not having that person.

Sometimes there aren’t reasons behind the terrible things that go on.

When you get on the boat that’s saving you, don’t pull up the ladder behind you

This cross-section of people they just happen to bring in to decide the fate of mankind on television is really scary.

He threw a lot of strikes, worked it inside and out, threw breaking balls for strikes behind in the count.

If you ever go behind the glass and look at the focus groups that are deciding what you’re gonna watch, it’s scary.

Tattooed men who are not behind bars are either latent criminals or degenerate aristocrats.

The self forms at the edge of desire, and a science of self arises in the effort to leave that self behind.

It won’t be decided in one election, but it is a basic choice between an open and progressive Iraq and one that is backward and continues to fall behind.