Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
ADAM CAROLLAFigure out what to do, then take a nap.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff.
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I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
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I am semi-ambivalent about being on camera – sort of low-key. I don’t like being on camera stuff that much.
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I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor
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All TV is, is really: ‘Don’t you want to be this, aren’t you glad you’re not that.’ There’s nothing really in the middle.
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Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
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They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.
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I’m harmless. I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you’re that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.
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I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
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I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.
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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
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Telling them to stop isn’t going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.
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I’d be at someone’s house or be up on the roof all day and I’d get lonely – stir crazy – and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life.
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My motto is “more mystery, less history”.
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People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
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I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.
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All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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Honestly, I’ve always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed – that kind of stuff.
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Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
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The very definition of ‘beauty’ is outside.
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I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.
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Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
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Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
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