This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance.
ADAM CAROLLAPeople are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?
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I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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Honestly, I’ve always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed – that kind of stuff.
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As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
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Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.
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The truth is we’re all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else’s book.
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Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
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I know everything because I know nothing.
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When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ‘tardiest of the ‘tards like the thick crust.
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I don’t think healthcare’s a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.
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I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
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No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
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When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
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If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’
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The very definition of ‘beauty’ is outside.
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Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys.
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A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money.
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I don’t burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.
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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
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I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
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Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
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I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.
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Telling them to stop isn’t going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.
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