“Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.”

No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

Screw guilt — I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn’t bother me. I’m an atheist!

It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.

But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn’t imagine it.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life.

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.

We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball.

Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.

I’ve never met anyone who has said, “My goal is to make America mediocre.” That’s a kind of hard-right conservative fallacy.

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’

Wars always bring about a conservative reaction. They overwhelm and destroy patient and careful efforts to improve the condition of man.

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I’m not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they’re anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they’re anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they’re super Christian, they’re a witch.

Obviously, there are conservatives who are in the mainstream and conservatives who would take people’s rights away.

Conservatives believe in providing Constitutional rights to our citizens, not to enemy combatants like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

Conservatism has had from its inception vigorously positive, intellectually rigorous agenda and thinking. That agenda should have in my three pillars: strengthen the economy, strengthen our security, and strengthen our families.

There are no solutions. There are only trade-offs.