Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much
ADAM CAROLLAIf birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
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When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. .
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There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader.
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I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that’s out of this world. I’ll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn’t have to be between Thai and Mexican every night.
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It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
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In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff.
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
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I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”
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I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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The very definition of ‘beauty’ is outside.
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No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
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My first car was a motorcycle.
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If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
ADAM CAROLLA