We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
ADAM CAROLLAWhen I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ‘tardiest of the ‘tards like the thick crust.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.
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Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
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I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.
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The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been.
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If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife’s side of the bed at night.
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I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
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Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.
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The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.
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If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
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If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
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People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
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I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.
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I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out.
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I don’t think healthcare’s a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.
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I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
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I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
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When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ‘tardiest of the ‘tards like the thick crust.
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Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.
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Screw guilt — I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn’t bother me. I’m an atheist!
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When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
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My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
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I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.
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I don’t think I’ve ever seen pie advertised. That’s how you know it’s good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts.
ADAM CAROLLA