“I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?”

Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.

I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.

My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

Messi I think is like me, he is the best in the world along with Ronaldinho.

Scholes is undoubtedly the best midfielder of his generation.

Messi is the Mozart of football.

Racism is not an excuse to not do the best you can.

You just have to prove to yourself that you can go out there and be the best that you can be and not prove anything to anyone.

Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.

Prepared for the worst, but still praying for the best.

Never back down from a real challenge. They give the best lessons in life.