Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
SPIKE MILLIGANAll I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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I told you I was sick.
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There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
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If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.
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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
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Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.
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Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.
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Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
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I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)
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Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.
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There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.
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And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
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Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.
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It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
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Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.
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I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
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I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
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This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it’s meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in
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Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.
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We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!
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I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
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I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.
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If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
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You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.
SPIKE MILLIGAN