I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHTThe early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT