Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHTThe early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Clones are people two.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
STEVEN WRIGHT