Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog… The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.
NORM MACDONALDMany frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
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Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.
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I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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In love, we are best pleased when we please others.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
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I don’t have any ambition.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
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It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
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Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
NORM MACDONALD